Saturday, August 27, 2011

The Beginning, middle, and end; simultaneously.

So I have been wanting to start a blog for some time. Much like everything else in my life, I just never got around to it. I am a procrastinator. When I was in college, I crammed before tests and did art projects the night before. I am the girl with messy hair, torn jeans, and the same fingernail polish I had on more than a month ago. Why? Because I never got around to fixing it. An even better explanation; I never got around to caring.

Apparently though, this marks the end of not caring.

Lately, I have been a clean freak. I've gone completely OCD. I don't even notice I am cleaning half the time. I also discovered recently that fingernail polish has toxic levels of phalates, so I gave up on painting my nails and went crazy about ridding my house of nasty chemicals. I worry constantly about anything and everything. I am a fast talker. I get stuff done before you could even mutter the word "procrastination". Why the change? Pregnancy. Everything they tell you about "nesting" is true.

I am officially 20 weeks today, August 27th. And just a few days ago, we found out we are having a boy. I loved having an older brother, so I am glad my future babies will have an older brother to look up to as well.

Along with this wonderful blessing that I wouldn't regret for a single moment comes my worries. Will I be a good mom? Will Nick be a good dad? Will we be able to agree on all the decisions that come with parenting? Will I be able to breastfeed as long as I want? At all? Will my home birth be as wonderful as I imagine it will? Does my baby love me as much as I already love him?

Which brings up a good point. Before I got pregnant I would hear people talk about how much they loved their unborn babies, and I would think, well sure. Of course you love your child! It isn't until now, being pregnant, that I understand the true extent of that love. I have known this little boy forever and I love him more than anything in the universe! He is my favorite person and the greatest gift. The most beautiful, amazing, inspiring being, and I haven't even met him yet. I haven't held him, kissed him, or embraced him, but his touch is intoxicating. My son is my world and I am totally immersed in it.

So with this comes my new beginning; a transition into my true purpose of motherhood. An end to my old life that couldn't have come at a better time. And right now, I am smack in the middle of that transition. This could be the only time I will ever get to be at the beginning, end, and midway point of a transition at the same time in my life. It is kind of a cool concept.

So this is me. I am a holistic, home birthing, cloth diapering, breastfeeding, loving mom that isn't a mom yet. Hopefully I can keep up and post here often; maybe spread the wonderful information that I have found myself about the beauty of motherhood.

Until then, I'm sending love to all.